Adoption etiquette - Three questions NOT to ask in public with my children listening

There are so many various views of adoption - even in the cyberspace adoption world, especially with us adopting children who are racially different from us. Some passionately believe we can only live in a racially diverse environment and others feel that love will prevail as long as we give the children examples to look toward/model themselves that have similar physical characteristics.




I have been surprised at how many personal questions pop up by complete strangers. Once people realize that I am Julia's mom then they will look at Mary and ask . ..




1. "Is she yours?" Of course I realize they are asking if Mary is my biological child but they have put me in the situation of marking Mary as MORE my child than my other children (well, except Sarah but since she has never lived here with us I tend to think of her as grown and out there in the big world as an adult already). I usually rephrase my response to either say . . . "you mean biological?" or answer with "Mary is our biological daughter and we went all the way to China to adopt Julia." I slightly stress "all the way" because I want to ensure Julia that she is no less precious to us because she isn't biological. Mary took that special trip to China as well and stressing "all the way" conjures up the excitement and experience we had on the adventure. In all actuality there was more planning, preparation, frustration, expense, hoop-jumping, etc. in making Julia ours. Although our sons' adoption hasn't been as drawn out and filled with policy changes - it has still been tedious at times . . . although our support group online from the agency has made the journey . . . pleasant! Wow, I do feel that.




We will also get more personal questions . . .


2. "You can't HAVE children?" Hehe. Yes, we can. We do! Between us we have five glorious kids. Now why complete strangers (often times store clerks) think that I need to discuss the potential for my ability to conceive and carry a pregnancy vs. simply choosing to adopt/encompass/meld children into my family/home that are in need of a family is astounding. I know that most times the remarks are innocent and I do not take offense - but REALLY!!! I honestly don't know if we can have more children or not. We have had one significant miscarriage after Mary and with our advancing age it is likely that we may not be fertile anymore. I don't know - what is more I don't care. Adoption is a choice that we made. I'm open to discussing all the factors we considered, etc but not in the check-out line at WalMart . . . usually with the girls focused on our next task, nap, activity, meal, etc. I'm actually excited to facilitate an open discussion with anyone who is considering adopting and will also share my fellow adoptive moms email addresses/contact information so they can give a more well-rounded experience.

When asked in front of my children though often the question is presented that adoption must be the second choice/backup plan for us and that naturally we would have been reproducing kiddos if it were possible. This isn't true.

Now for the kicker . . .


3. "How much did he/she cost?" Oh my, don't get me started. These are my CHILDREN, not a puppy or commodity. Yes, adoption is expensive. Yes, you have to be prepared. But do you ask someone who has had an operation how much out of pocket they paid? How about their home costs? Their car? Their engagement ring? It is offensive, especially when spoken in front of my children. I did not BUY my children. Instead, I took the step of faith that whatever materialism I may have to forgo it is so very much less than the expense of when God adopted me to be His daughter. He paid with his Son.


Did you ever think that Jesus was adopted as well? Joseph wasn't his biological Dad.



What is "necessary" monetarily to be in place to parent children? Their own room? A prepaid college fund? Promise of their own vehicle at 16 or a private education? Does living what I believe "take away" from our children already home if it means they may not have designer clothing (which I wouldn't be buying anyway)? I'd rather parent by (hopefully) showing our children love, support, stability, acceptance, and a life centered around God. I do not want them to feel "beholding" to me for loving them. For me, it is as natural as breathing.





If you'd like to discuss how WE were able to adopt, I'm happy to. I can provide links to resources or point you to my adoptive guru friends who can give you the hook-up to assistance. There are grants and special adoption groups that have anonymous donors to assist with fees, loans, etc. While the fit of adoption is perfect for us it is not for everyone and I'm not out campaigning that my way of creating family is supposed to be your way. It takes sacrifice and commitment and determination. It requires forethought and love. It is . . . parenthood.