family dynamics

You know, sometimes I can blind myself to the truth. I tell myself that I haven't gained THAT much weight or that my gray hair is simply a sprinkling . . .

Or that my daughters would not be the instigator for disharmony in our family household.

Let me back this up. When we first arrived home with Julia she was a firecracker. She was less than 20 pounds and could have Mary cowering on the bed (where Julia could not climb) because she could break skin with her bites and was quite adept at hitting and pinching (as my cheeks can attest to). Through time and especially as Julia learned to speak/sign she was less frustrated and she and Mary developed a close sisterly relationship. They can still fight with passion but not physically.

Well there have been more incidents of late. Paul isn't always the compromising compliant playmate he was when he arrived (good for YOU, son). He doesn't always allow Mary to dictate what activity they will participate in and who is going to do exactly what and for how long. He will shout "NO" and either attach Mary or Julia's name. He can tease his siblings (Samuel included, ESPECIALLY Samuel included) and even mimic Julia's speech which I have not yet addressed as she doesn't seem to realize that he is laughing AT her. Sam? Sam is a scrapper and although his is much more of a wailer than fighter, he is not above hitting, shoving, kicking, or spitting. I have also caught him tattling on his sister when she was not even in the same area as him.

So when they boys kept tattling repeatedly (over 100 times a day) and mainly it was directed at Julia I at first was skeptical that she could be inflicting the injuries that she was being assigned blame for and I am frankly sick and tired of hearing " Mom?" and being expected to immediately stop whatever I am doing to go watch the pantomime of the offensive behavior and have her name assigned. I have used "time out" for both the culprit as well as the tattletale. I have ignored the behavior to try to discourage tattling as I have not witnessed the behavior and don't want to let a child get power-hungry for the ability to fabricate an offense to have control of removing a sibling from play.

But my eyes are open. Today we were outside and I was scooping dog poop and removing my long-dead hanging baskets and Paul sits down on the children's swing. Mary of course joins him and then Samuel joins her to completely fill this supposedly two-seat contraption. Julia approaches, squeals, and launches an attack or Samuel's head. I was appalled. I was dumbfounded.

I was guilty.

Samuel has been the most attention-seeking of the four children at home. He causes the most commotion and turmoil and has the most tantrums and such. His squeal can be heard at any time and often you cannot tell if he is doing his "fake cry" for attention or really in distress.

And here Julia is pommeling his head.

Furthermore during our speech therapy session Julia baited her brother. She extended a hand to offer a token gift and when he reached for it she shrieked and struck at him. Her blow did not land but I was taken aback at her actions. And yet later in the session she positioned herself to kick him and shrieked when he was simply . . . there. We stopped the therapy twice for her to lament the situation.

And I didn't give Samuel the benefit of the doubt for all his tattling. He has made it up that I know of twice but I have probably overlooked far, far, far more. No wonder he's been cranky! I'd be cranky too!! I knew that Julia was having trouble adjusting but I was allowing her the power to intimidate her older brothers.

So I'm trying to find that balance of not allowing myself to become referee yet teaching the kids to work out their differences without interfering. How do you do that?

I can't always be watching closely with needing to prepare meals and wash dishes and clean house/do laundry. But I need to be more watchful and maybe do some of the other tasks while they sleep.

I'm so sorry Samuel. I feel like I let him down because he was trying to tell me . . . shoot he DID tell me and I ignored him. Yet he seems to forgive me my imperfections and embrace that I have finally SEEN the situation.

Just another reason to love my children. I am supposed to be teaching them, but they are sure teaching me what I feel is so much more.